Imaginary
A short sketch
While looking for something else I wrote, I found this old sketch from a few years back. Please enjoy, along with your weekly Nyx Pic.
IMAGINARY
INT – DAY – EMPTY CLASSROOM
An empty classroom. Grey, florescent lighting. We see the chairs are arranged in a circle, AA style. We see seated in the chairs are SANTA CLAUS, TOOTH FAIRY, EASTER BUNNY, JESUS, GLOBAL WARMING, - and KYLE.
SANTA calls the meeting to order. His jovial laughter very quickly slides into somberness.
SANTA
Ho! Ho! hoooohboy. Let’s get this started guys. I wanted to thank you all for your dedication to this group. We’re all here for each other, and remember –
Everyone in the circle says this together, except Kyle, who looks a little confused.
EVERYONE
We believe in each other.
SANTA
Would anyone like to start the sharing?
The EASTER BUNNY raises his paw. (He’s a kid with bunny ears, maybe 12-14 years old.)
EASTER BUNNY
Well, you know, I try to stay positive, but it isn’t easy. Kids these days have no patience, too smart for anything.
Tooth fairy cuts in. He is a large, hairy man. Ballerina outfit, tutu – and lots of chest hair. Star wand in hand. A tooth logo on his chest. Probably a mustache. Probably balding. Jersey accent.
TOOTH FAIRY
Dats rights! Dey don’t believe in nuffin’ no moh! And those who do, ain’t nothin’ good enuf!
Murmurs of “that’s right!” and “amen!” are heard around the circle.
SANTA
Ain’t that the truth!
TOOTH FAIRY
I got cussed out by a nine year old tellin’ me I was a cheapskate foh givin’ ‘er a quatah fer ‘er toof! Wanted five bucks she did!
EASTER BUNNY
There’s no mystery anymore!
JESUS
It isn’t just kids. The adults are no better.
GLOBAL WARMING
Tell me about it! I don’t belong in this group – I’m real! 95% of scientists say so! But no, 53% of Americans don’t believe in me.
EASTER BUNNY
Who’re you again?
TOOTH FAIRY
She’s clearly a womans.
GLOBAL WARMING
Really. You think 53% of Amercians don’t believe women are real.
JESUS
Not as real as corporations or fetuses, according to some.
SANTA
Jesus…
JESUS
Yes?
GLOBAL WARMING
I’m global warming, asshole.
EASTER BUNNY
You really shouldn’t call him an asshole.
JESUS
(mutters under breath) Says the pagan appropriation of my holiday.
TOOTH FAIRY
(to Jesus) ‘E’s more real than you are.
JESUS
I’m a historical figure – !
SANTA
Ho ho whoooa, there. Let’s cut all this nonsense out! We gotta stick together! If we don’t believe in each other… who will?
A beat.
SANTA
And Jesus, GW, quit playing into the science vs religion stereotypes.
GW and JESUS mumble apologies.
SANTA
Now, does anyone have anything else they’d like to share? Anything NICE to say? Hm?
Santa waits. It’s silent. Santa looks at Kyle.
SANTA
You there. Anything you’d like to share, lad?
Kyle looks around. He looks very confused.
KYLE
Uh, me?
TOOTH FAIRY
Yah, yous.
EASTER BUNNY
Who are you anyway?
JESUS
Yes my child. Why are you here?
KYLE
Uh. I’m Kyle. And, I’m not sure why I’m here.
SANTA
Tell us about yourself, Kyle.
KYLE
Uh, well… I’m 21. Bio-chem major. From Seattle. Go Seahawks!
Blank stares. Kyle forges on.
I uh, like dogs? And cooking. Oh, I’m also bi.
A beat of silence. Then everyone but Kyle cracks up.
GLOBAL WARMING
Hah!
TOOTH FAIRY
Pfffft.
EASTER BUNNY
Heeeheehee
SANTA
Ho ho ho!
JESUS
Doesn’t exist.
KYLE
…Sorry?
GW
That’s just a myth.
KYLE
But… I’m bi.
GW
Uh huh. And I’m the tooth fairy.
TOOTH FAIRY
Hey!
GW
You know what I meant.
KYLE
(Appealing to GW) No really, there’s scientific studies proving –
GW
Conducted by who, the School of Really Horny People?
GW and Jesus high five.
KYLE
(to Jesus) I’m really bi.
JESUS
(flamboyantly) Bi now, gay later!
KYLE
I’m real!
But the others just continue to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Kyle sits by, looking around, lost.
SMASH CUT –
Kyle is sitting by himself in the classroom. Same circle of chairs. The others have vanished.
He looks off into space.
He looks into the camera.
Cut to black.
END.